Truth and Consequences

The other day, Sharon Johnson, principal of the Cincinnati public school in Hyde Park, cancelled the Prom at her school.
Most people who do not know the story would think she was throwing her weight around and being a spoilsport. Or, perhaps, that she was concerned at the OTT events these proms have become, and will, instead, be organising something on a smaller scale.
In actual fact, the issue that prompted this decision was disobedience on a grand scale.
A number of students got it into their heads to organise a “massive water balloon fight”. Knowing that this was messy and potentially dangerous, as well as that some students who did not like “these things” would panic, if they got hit, injured, or wet, Johnson promised, rather than threatened, that she would cancel the Prom if they followed through with their plans. This she did in two separate, school-wide announcements.
When they did, she followed suit.
The upshot of it all is that some parents think that she has been too harsh on the students – and are seeking to provide their darlings with an alternative Prom.
They do not realise that the students knew full well what they are risking, and that if they get a Prom “anyway”, they are learning that you can thumb your nose at authority (inclusive of parents) because someone will always see to it that you land on your feet.
These days, when many parents try to live vicariously through their children, too many are teaching them the wrong values.
Thinking outside the box is no longer fun, or an exercise in creativity. It has become the means to an end – the end being cheating and defrauding the system – or even your friends – just because you can.
When parents back their children even when they know they are in the wrong, it breaks one of the fundamental tenets of discipline – consequences.
If a child puts his hand against a hot pot on the stove, he will learn not to do it again next time. But if he brings home something that is not his – whether he stole it from a friend or from a shop – and the adults in his house do not turn a hair…he will learn that it does not matter if you cheat, or steal, because you will not be punished.
If – when – children do something that is not right, they must learn that consequences will follow.
The teen might try to act nonchalantly and say “whatever” if you tell him that there will be consequences for his bad behaviour. However, deep down, he knows that there is a lesson to be had.
Imagine, for a moment, that you had to say “whatever” to a judge. Or, better (worse?) still, remember what happened to Penelope Soto, the 18-year-old was arrested for possession of Xanax. She was brought before Miami-Dade Circuit Judge Jorge Rodriguez-Chomat on Monday, and was set free on a bond of $5000. Her response did not please the judge, and he called her back and re-set her bond at $10,000. She went nuclear, and used a four-letter word at the judge… who sentenced her to a month in jail for contempt.
This is one teen who learned the meaning of the word “consequences” the hard way.
Teenagers will get upset; but they try not to show it. They test your limits, and they also try and make you believe it’s not worth punishing them, because they do not care, either way, what happens.
Alternatively, they will try to argue that this was their first mistake, or one of a few, and therefore they do not deserve to be punished.
Rest assured that if you are taken in, they will high-five themselves… and act worse next time.
Therefore, if you said that the consequences of any such actions will be having their cell phone taken away – go ahead and do it.
Do not argue; do not give in to pleading; do not be convinced into compromising your word and giving the consequence (do not call it ‘punishment’) “next week”, or exchanging it with another.
Of course, it stands to reason that if the teen can be diverted from inappropriate behaviour into doing something he really likes, there will be less need for Consequences.
There are some rules to follow when it comes to the Consequences Game;
1. Never go OTT with the consequences. You may need to retract them for your own benefit as well as for that if the child. You cannot say “no television for a week” – if he can watch, his favourite shows streamed on his pc.
2. It would be better to fix a Consequences Agreement with the child before it is needed. That way, he will go into his misbehaviours with his eyes open.
3. The Consequence must be pro-active. He will learn to avoid Consequences more if he has to weed the garden within twenty-four hours than stay in his room for that amount of time. If he does not do it, the countdown begins again.
4. This is not the time for sermons that appeal to his better nature. When he is angry and upset, his better nature has taken a back seat, so you can’t really expect to do so.
5. If the teen is quiet, that is, “not misbehaving” the temptation is to let him be. However, when he is calm is exactly the time to speak to him about what will – not what might – happen, if he does it, whatever “it” may be, again.
6. Teach the teen how to avoid confrontation. This works on three levels; he is less likely to become aggravated, there will be less power struggles between the teen and his siblings, or him and the adults in the house, and the general atmosphere in the house will be better.
Teenage is already a hormonally-charged, tough time for kids – let’s try to make it better, not exacerbate their problems..